Doing Things for Myself
The past couple of months in Japan have been exciting and rewarding. But recently I realized that tucked away in subconsciousness somewhere, I’ve been feeling a lot of pain as well. I’ve had success after success, but I’ve also experienced failure after failure. And though it’s been a bit more pronounced of recent, it’s been something I’ve been suffering from all my life.
Almost everything I’ve done in life, I’ve done it for someone else. Why did I study hard to get into Berkeley? Because my parents said it was good to go to a good University (though I’m thankful I went!). Why did I contact that particular person? Because my friend told me I should (and I’m glad I met those people, too).
Even when I was small, I was a master at ajdusting my personality to fit in better with the people around me. And even now as I try to develop my own personality, much of it is based on supporting others. Not that it’s completely a bad thing. I’ve actually developed it into one of my best strengths!
I’m the first to say “let’s do this!” I’m always filled with enthusiasm and offer great support to others. People love me because of it. Heck, I love myself because of it too!
But the pain sets in once I’m on my own. My ability of self-discipline is horribly lacking. I meet someone great, promise great things, but then let it fall apart when it’s my turn to make the next move on my own. Why? Well, relationships are give and take relationships, and if you don’t have both then the relationship doesn’t work out. I’m an expert at the give, and a failing student at the take.
If the next action for me is “to do it for my own good,” then that action rarely takes place. I suppose it used to be because I didn’t care much for it. But now that I do and I try, I find that my experience of doing things for myself has been so scarce that it’s ridiculously hard to do.
Rather than get to work, I run away and do something like play video games. Just until the next time someone asks for my help. Now that I think about it, it’s to the point that I even skip meals.
Though I should say that there are a couple things in life that I’ve done for myself, and those are my treasures. First is my relationship with Mami, and second is my career choice in the world of fashion. And that’s why those are, perhaps, my greatest treasures =D
But again, relationships are give and take. And careers are things filled with relationships, which make them give and take situations on a grand scale. That’s where it gets tough.
I’m looking to jet start my career, but I find it’s not working because I’m not taking enough. I’ve made it pretty far just giving, but there’s a point where it becomes lopsided and it doesn’t work anymore. I’m stuck. And I’m unhappy, too, because there’s a part of me that needs to be satisfied by doing things for myself. I think that goes for anyone. You can only go so far without giving fuel to your own ego.
So I’ve decided that it’s time to start doing some things for myself: to start saying things that being with “I want.” And I’ll start by writing out a couple of things here:
- I want to take control of my life
- I want to decide my own destiny
- I want to be proud of myself
- I want to sleep early and wake up early
- I want to exercise regularly
- I want to stop being the hare and learn from the tortoise (from the Aesop fable)
- I want to start telling people what I want from them
- I want to stop acting only “depending on the situation”
- I want to keep my apartment clean
- I want to make a great income
- I want to have the freedom to buy what I want, go where I want
- I want to have to stop apologizing for stupid mistakes
- I want to feel happy and fulfilled every day
Let’s do this!
Categorized as Storyline
As my idol, Utada Hikaru, would say, “keep tryin.”
=D
Perhaps your personality is changing your personality to befit the atmosphere around you. Like a chameleon. It is definitely not a bad thing.
I definitely know what you mean by giving and giving and never taking. However I think it’s not that you don’t feel satisfied with not taking, but rather not being satisfied for being appreciated for giving. I have two stories for you. The first is about me and a friend. I feel that I keep giving and giving, but I really never feel appreciated. I feel like I am taken for granted. I don’t really care if they give back, I just want to feel like I matter to them. Perhaps getting something from them would show me that they appreciate me. But simple words would suffice. Another story is about my coworker. She is a really bitter old woman. She got mad at me because I was really late yesterday. I did call in and told my boss. When I got there, my coworker got angry with me and what not. At first I was all “Who the hell are you?” But then I realized it really wasn’t about me. It was about her being unhappy with her life. I mean, she hates her husband, and she always tells me she’s envious of me because I’m young and I’m single. She’s taking in her niece and nephew, but I could really tell she doesn’t really want them there. She is incapable of loving. She is even paying for most of her sister’s flight to the U.S. just so she (her sister) can take care of her kids for 10 days while she goes out and relax. I quote, “I never have time for myself so I’m going to have her come and take care of her kids so I can relax for 10 days.” That is “taking” in disguise of “giving”. Also she adds money to a customers bill just because he leaves very little tip. Then she puts the difference in the tip, rewriting the bill so that the boss doesn’t see. I really disagree to this, and I think I have been too much of a pushover to speak out. But I will tell her that she can keep the tip all to herself since I don’t want to be responsible for stealing. Also she steals from our boss too. Whenever the sushi bar customers leave cash and “no change”, she pockets some of the tip money while she takes the cash to the register. I really don’t understand how on top of all this, she can ask to borrow their SUV to go to a trip to Las Vegas. She is the epitome of taking and never giving. She takes so much, but she is so unhappy. Most of the things you listed above, they can be obtained with giving. I used to take take take take. I find that giving is much more satisfying, as long as I feel some sort of appreciation. This is a wake up call though. I think I was supposed to be coworkers with this lady so I can realize myself that taking will lead to becoming her. I think you are in good shape.
You know what you should do?!?! Go to a cat cafe! I don’t know if you’ve been to one before (I’ve been to one in Hong Kong), but you should go hang with maos =). And like we all know, they’re great at relieving stress. I don’t know where you are in Tokyo area exactly, but here’s a place that looks nice =) http://hinome.dip.jp/~cateriam/ They have a bunch on google too!
Guys are actually the master of giving and as long as the girl appreciates and acknowledges those givings, guys are PLENTY happy with giving. Now, what you might not know is girls have problems on know how to take. Some girls might even reject compliments and the way a gentleman acts because they thought they don’t deserve it. You are not dating one so you might not realize it BUT a lot of girls deem themselves unworthy. While the society sets it’s standards on us, rarely do girls feel good about themselves and think that they are enough. They either take more to justify their worth in this world, or they just try to be a nice girl and give as much as they can and get tired and sad. Resentment is the result in both situation. Love yourself Raiman. Giving is not a bad thing, it’s just that you might not get the appreciation you are looking for because you set high standards once you encounter in any type of relationships that are important to you. And stand up for what you think is right ones in a while keeps things afresh~! Cuz if you always live under people’s influences and standards, you are just going to be as good as people want you to be. I agree with Hiroaki’s story BTW
■I want to take control of my life
■I want to decide my own destiny
■I want to be proud of myself
■I want to sleep early and wake up early
■I want to exercise regularly
■I want to stop being the hare and learn from the tortoise (from the Aesop fable)
■I want to start telling people what I want from them
■I want to stop acting only “depending on the situation”
■I want to keep my apartment clean
■I want to make a great income
■I want to have the freedom to buy what I want, go where I want
■I want to have to stop apologizing for stupid mistakes
■I want to feel happy and fulfilled every day
and yes… cancel all these I wants… cuz you are always going to look forward to wanting things instead of really acting them out.